The Vids Are Alright

Cat Power - Living Proof.

From the suggestion box: I enjoy watching nearly all Olympic sports except football - there’s plenty of that going on elsewhere and the world’s best players don’t treat an Olympic gold medal as their ultimate goal (Goal! Hahaha! Ahem). Therefore I am glad to see Cat Power and her coach having a serious motivational chat before her 200m Religious Imagery race to stress the importance of the situation and go over the race plan. Srs Bsns!

This is an old video of course, as the aerodynamic catsuit/crucifix combination Cat is modelling has since been banned by the RIAA (though any records achieved prior to the ban will still count towards a discography). Although the final result doesn’t go Cat’s way (having been beaten at the tape by a veiled nun), as the fastest loser she qualifies for the next round of the Vangelis Cup (prize fund: cup of tea and a fag).

Alexandra Burke - Broken Heels.

I can understand Alex releasing the other Red One single as the follow-up to ‘Bad Boys’, but I wish she’d gone for ‘Love Bury Me (6 Feet Under)’ instead: a shameless Winehouse/Motown pastiche with a generous helping of self-awareness. I would imagine the video to be a cross between this and this - but with her backing singers dressed as Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Mmmmm.

It would be a damn sight better than ‘Broken Heels’. Alex continues to move awkwardly, this time in some ill-fitting American Football getup. I don’t understand how her team keep managing to make an extremely pretty girl look so dreadful. We don’t even see who wins the crucial match because play is stopped by the appearance of the Incredible Hulk at 1.43. BURKE SMASH.

Mariah Carey - I Want To Know What Love Is.

Mariah must have sung a few pre-sporting event national anthems in her time, but I understand that this does not necessarily entail that she knows what a baseball stadium looks like. Or what a national anthem is. Thusly we should forgive Mariah for believing that baseball stadiums are normally computer-generated in nature. She’s probably played Wii Sports, right?

What we cannot forgive her for is the terrifying child at 1.16. I half expect Mariah break into ‘Ave Satani’ when he glares in our direction.

Roots Manuva - Witness (One Hope).

Best of 2001: If Can’t Get You Outa My Head is the most iconic video of 2001 then this is the funniest. Rodney is in serious training to quite literally triumph over his childhood traumas: with the raw talent of Usain Bolt, the Ferrari of Michael Schumacher and the underhand tactics of the Spanish Paralympic basketball team, Rodney finally gets what he deserves in the egg and spoon race. Ha-haa - in your face, small children.