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This blog is about music videos. If you want to know what I think of the songs, you can find my exciting and witty opinions at The Singles Jukebox.

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Boyzone - You Needed Me

A number one hit single from about nine years ago for Ronan & co (nope, I don’t remember it either). But seriously dudes - floating picture frames? Ahhhh I seeeee they contain people who have ‘needed’ Boyzone at some point in their lives. This includes a man with an AMAZING BEARD (2.31) some lovely lesbians handing each other flowers (2.43). You see, botanical exchange was the only gay action allowed in Boyzone videos until recently.

But as always with Boyzone ballads, the best entertainment comes from watching the boys’ facial expressions. While Ronan is busy emoting and Stephen is giving us the ‘I’m the only one enjoying myself here' wink, Shane is busy trying to keep his trousers from falling down (0.16 is the best shot of them I think) Mikey and Keith are wondering what the hell all these floating picture frames are doing here (0.33-0.35).

That beard really was terrific though - if it doesn’t get warmer out there soon I may consider growing a similar one myself.

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Bombalurina ft Timmy Mallett - Itsy Bitsy Blah Blah Blah

Never let it be said that this blog doesn’t pay attention to Current Events - my keen media eye misses NOTHING I tell you, NOTHING - however John Sergeant hasn’t released a pop video (that I know of! Please alert me if you are aware of such a thing!) so instead I have an itsy bitsy piece of musical history for you! I was a big fan of Mallett’s Mallet as a nipper and so I am indirectly responsible for the success of this venture.

The last time I tried to play this as part of a DJ set I received actual booing, possibly due to the misleading S-Express intro (I played that later and everyone instantly forgave me). But even if your ears can’t bear Timmy’s repeated ‘Ah-YEAH!’ then the video’s still worth a look - that’s what the mute button is for, kids! Two very strapping male dancers doing marvellous acrobatics, Timmy in a Mallet From Del Monte outfit, some budget ‘water’ (2.32) and of course the titular dotted undergarment. Plus the Lead Bombalurina is wearing MY TRAINERS (1.42) that I accidentally left in Canada when I was 11. Actually they were my sister’s trainers that I had ‘borrowed’. And they had white laces because I was dreadfully uncool.

I’ve just realised I could have posted a Bucks Fizz video instead. OH WELL.

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Ace Of Base - All That She Wants

Yes, it’s Ace Of Base, the ABBA for the Nineties!

I’m posting ‘All That She Wants’ as an initial marker in my quest for the Hair Straighteners Cut-Off Point: at some point in the late 90s, this sort of static-prone flyaway hair was deemed unfit for public consumption and everyone’s barnets suddenly started looking like this (sort of). Prior to 1990 everyone had permed/back-combed hair anyway so it wasn’t an issue. Anyway, it is now my probably-doomed mission to find out the latest occurence of non-straightened hair in a music video. Stay tuned for further investigations into this folicle folly!

Also in a weak attempt to provide further continuity to this blog, the girl in this video has an AWESOME BANGLE COLLECTION (see 2.06). Her and Alicia Keys could be Bangle Twins, awww. Oh no, I’ve just realised that this song is probably about being a prostitute! All this time I had been thrown off the scent by Gaby Roslin asking Linn (the blonde one) on the Big Breakfast whether the titular baby referred to a ‘baby-as-in-boyfriend’ or a ‘baby-in-arms’. Linn sat on the fence and said “well er it’s kind of both”(!) The possibility of a third option never occurred to me. How awful!

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Fastforward to 3 min 22 to see CELINE SMASH!

Other matters arising:

- Celine’s Ice Sculptor man-friend is driving the same sort of jeep that Stuart in Queer As Folk does.

- I’ve been trying to work out the hair straighteners cut-off point for some time now, (the most obvious victims of the styling product drought being Ace Of Base) and here’s clear evidence that 1995 is still a no man’s land in terms of taming those split ends.

- What on earth is she saying at 2.51? She’s counting to three and looks cross - perhaps her bloke has stolen the number four?

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