The Vids Are Alright

Anri Jokhadze - I’m a Joker (GEORGIA)

Video: Camp Dude is in The Club with some heavily made-up ladies, who present us with goldfish bowls covered in lipstick. There is some groping and ‘sexy’ dancing. I feel very uneasy watching this man, no matter how camp he is.

Tune: Bombastic operatic opening leads to a super tinny Tom Jones funkathon with some truly dodgy lyrical content (apparently the version in Georgian is much better - according to the Youtube comments the Georgian for ‘terrible’ is ‘საშინელება’). It also goes on for about two minutes longer than you’d like it to. But well done Georgia for resisting the Guetta-bosh.

Daria - Celebrate.

Country: Croatia
Song: Filter-bosh with terrible self-empowering English lyrics “shine like a comet…in our musical galaxy”. There is however a DUBSTEP BREAKDOWN followed by a KEY CHANGE. People across the UK will be shouting ‘HOUSE!’ at this as they clutch their Eurovision bingo cards, and then someone next to them will say ‘it’s more like broken beats meets filter-trance really o-ho do you see’.
Plot: Daria goes clubbing. She has a water pistol that fires bubbles.
Why Did You Bother Making A Video When: in the Song for Croatia performance Daria and her backing dudes emerged from underneath the mixing desk like phoenixes from… a mixing desk (which judging by its sparkly curtain was handing out the bingo cards I mentioned earlier). But there was breakdancing! I think? It was quite charming! Whereas now I am mentally classifying this alongside all the other ‘in da club’ dross that has filled the music video channels this year.
Better than 2010?: Last year Feminem sang a Sugababes style ballad and didn’t do very well (the voters remembered that they had represented Bosnia-Herzegovina in 2005 and SHUNNED the TRAITOROUS threesome who then failed to make the final). Suffice to say the 2010 and 2011 songs from Croatia are Very Different.
Overall verdict: So far I have not come across any other entries with dubstep breakdowns! This may well be their only chance…

Kati Wolf - What About My Dreams.

Country: Hungary
Song: Semi-boshing electro with a diva belting self-absorbed lyrics over the top.
Plot: Carrie Bradshaw is UPSET - tear-stained mascara, meaningful looks, sulkily sloping through an airport to escape her latest crap relationship. She’s only happy when she’s dancing in a rehersal studio or In The Club, where a bunch of extras are putting their hands in the air like they just don’t care.
Fashion: Accessories are key here - Kati wears HIDEOUS high heels that make her feet look two-dimensional. She is also wearing leather biker gloves which seem weirdly out of place with her gold sparkly dress. I like the huge necklace though.
Tourist Board Rating: A few shots of an (admittedly sundrenched) suspension bridge. Could do better, Hungary! 2/10. Better than 2010? By default, yes! As this super-dramatic video explains, Hungary couldn’t afford to enter last year.
Overall verdict: I expect that this will do rather well if it makes it through the semis.

J-Lo & Pitbull - On The Floor.

Alas I don’t have time to fully explore the deep and meaningful critique of our wretched society* that lies within J-Lo’s new effort, but I am posting this anyway in a DESPERATE PLEA that someone might make me an animated gif of Ms Lopez swinging her pants in the silver suit at 4.02. I will use it wisely, I promise.

*For instance, the annoyance of going out to a club and, having found the only spare seat in the building, you don’t want to get up and risk losing it for the remainder of the evening even though you primarily came to Dance, not to Sit Down. There aren’t even any tables to put your drink down on. Jenny is from the Block and she UNDERSTANDS YOUR PAIN.

Daruso - Since You Been Gone

The Vids Are Alright is BACK from its holidays with a new URL! Please update any RSS feeds you may have to thevidsarealright.tumblr.com, then watch this big dumb Clubland bosh video where a young lady drives her Ghostbusters car (with megaphones taped to the roof) to a bowling alley, then drunkenly chats up a slimey chap with no top on (we’ve all been there). Meanwhile it’s a race against time for two dudes working in a kebab shop, who must prepare for the 2am pitta bread rush with some limbering exercises. It’s a hummous crisis! What would Ke$ha do? Oh right, EXACTLY this.

Taio Cruz ft. Ke$ha - Dirty Picture.

The usual Taio checklist applies here (if you can’t be interesting then at least you can be consistent). Ke$ha meanwhile has locked herself in the loo again and is doing the hovering squat position in an effort not to touch the seat. This is a FALSE ECONOMY, Ke$ha! If you’re that worried about loo seat germs then give it a quick wipe with some bog roll. Otherwise you’ll just end up either pissing on the seat and making it ten times worse for subsequent loo-visiting ladies, OR you’ll piss on your jeans and you’ll have to continue clubbing in jeans smelling of piss.

Ohhhh, right, I see. Carry on then.

Dizzee Rascal - Stand Up Tall.

Best of 2004: Dizzee meets a number of flexible young ladies with a healthy interest in British culture, and gives them a ride in his pimped-up taxi (NB the best episode of Pimp My Ride UK was the one where Tim Westwood put a stereo in Bez’s knackered old taxi and painted it purple/leopard print - “top one”). 19-year-old Dizzee looks like he can’t believe his luck, but sticks to The Plan: take them all out for a fry-up and a haircut, then go out clubbing. Sounds good to me! Can I come?

(I know everyone else has finished off their decade retrospectives but I’m sticking close to the Poptimists polls which are only up to 2004 thanks to my special organisational skills! Expect more from 2004 very shortly.)

Ludacris - Stand Up.

Best of 2003: Backing dancers in wheelchairs, telekenisis of giant beer bottles, having your nappy changed by the girl you were chatting up moments before. Just a normal night out on the tiles for Ludacris, who is of the opinion that wearing silver-painted human statues as necklaces is probably a better use for them than just leaving them hanging around outside Covent Garden tube station.

Backstreet Boys - Straight Through My Heart

STAKE through my heart more like - we have here some hilarious undead bandwagon-jumping from everyone’s 2nd favourite pensionable manband. Don’t they know it’s all about werewolves at the moment? Anyone would think they’d only read the FIRST Twilight book. Still, extra points for the glowing red contact lenses.

Dotstar - Stick Up.

Maybe this ‘funky’ the kids are constantly on about is worth another try? There’s a whiff of ‘Insomnia’ by Faithless in the main riff that sinks its teeth into your brain and won’t let go, and the bass breakdown at the end is awesome, but the main reason for posting this is to make you all aware of the accompanying dance routine: simple enough that absolutely EVERYONE can do it, including a midget and an airline pilot. Actually maybe it’s a bit too simple, but it’s somehow lovely seeing a video full of people who are dancing like they’re doing it for real, you guys.