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This blog is about music videos. If you want to know what I think of the songs, you can find my exciting and witty opinions at The Singles Jukebox.

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Christina Aguilera - You Lost Me.

Xtina has hurriedly glossed over her dreadful bondage mess and gone for something a bit more ‘subtle’ for single number two. If ‘subtle’ can cover RADIOACTIVE ZOMBIE PLAGUE, that is. ‘The world’s been infected' and the nuclear fallout is so bad that she has to hold on to her hair to stop it falling out! It gets worse - the sun is near to supernova and Xtina and her chap have had a row. “Not if you were the last man on Earth!” Well dude, it looks like he might be!

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David Guetta ft Kid Cudi - Memories.

Not much actually happens in the first half of this video, until Kid Cudi makes it to the barbers and dudes are getting wacky hairstyles. But I am not posting this video for its clever camerawork or devastating comment on social mores.

No indeed. The main reason for posting this is so you can all look at David Guetta’s incredibly strange dancing. Look at him:

He’s throwing a pose like an evil wizard! (Not quite as evil as this wizard.) Ahhhhh perhaps he’s putting some sort of CURSE on dance music (dyseewhatididthere). Or perhaps he has become a member of Goldie Lookin Chain.

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Cheryl Cole - Parachute.

I wasn’t going to post this video at first, mainly because I feel Cheryl generally deserves more than just me gushing over her dresses and hair. However dresses and hair are Chezza’s strong point and I think she might need some cheering up at the moment. Therefore I am happy to present:

1. Goth Flamenco Doll Toilet Roll Holder!
2. Florence Nightingale (complete with upside-down watch)!
3. Ming The Merciless Joins Sparkly Biker Gang!
4. One-legged Toga’n’Pearls Jumpsuit!

Poor Cheryl. I wish your songs were better.

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Dizzee Rascal - Stand Up Tall.

Best of 2004: Dizzee meets a number of flexible young ladies with a healthy interest in British culture, and gives them a ride in his pimped-up taxi (NB the best episode of Pimp My Ride UK was the one where Tim Westwood put a stereo in Bez’s knackered old taxi and painted it purple/leopard print - “top one”). 19-year-old Dizzee looks like he can’t believe his luck, but sticks to The Plan: take them all out for a fry-up and a haircut, then go out clubbing. Sounds good to me! Can I come?

(I know everyone else has finished off their decade retrospectives but I’m sticking close to the Poptimists polls which are only up to 2004 thanks to my special organisational skills! Expect more from 2004 very shortly.)

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Cheryl Cole ft will.i.am - 3 Words.

A confession: I felt betrayed by the recent revelation that Cheryl has hair extensions. Cheryl’s hair is the main reason she is brilliant. I have lost count of how may times I’ve stared enraptured at giant L’Oreal posters through the bus window. (My own hair is underwhelming to say the least, and only through celebrity follicles can I find vicarious scalp salvation.)

I don’t know if she’s wearing hair extensions in this video, but whatever’s going on with Cheryl’s barnet it’s bloody amazing. Look:

Fake or not, I forgive her. She has lost a few ranking points on the husband list but I’m sure she’ll bounce back like a pro-vitamin nutrient complex with extra shine enhancement technology. Alas I think will.i.am is still bearing a grudge - he can’t even bring himself to look at Chezza in this strange, emo video.

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Kid Sister - Right Hand Hi.

And the 2009 award for Most Anonymous-Looking Backing Dancers goes to the excellent Kid Sister, who has rounded up the local goth fencing team for this video. Contrast be damned!

Melisa may have a high level of ungual awareness but she doesn’t seem to have noticed how bad her roots have got (way worse than my sorry inch of mousey blonde). She can just about get away with it in two dimensions, where the crimped bits just look like part of her jacket, but when she steps off the hoarding and onto the street it’s quite clear that she’s well overdue a splash of hydrogen peroxide on her barnet.

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Madonna - Celebration.

Oh, Madge. *shakes head sadly* You look fabulous in this video, you really do - great hair, nice dress, the same awesome boots you were wearing in ‘4 Minutes’, terrifyingly good complexion for a lady of your years. But I’m sick to death of you shoving your crotch in my face. There are so many more interesting things you could do with a high-nrg dancefloor track. Carry a suitcase between a beach and a futuristic cityscape, for instance. Or perhaps some sort of anti-gravity space dancing. Even walking on a supermarket checkout conveyor belt is more interesting than this. Your public demands an expensive narrative, dammit!

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Kylie Minogue - Can’t Get You Out Of My Head.

Best of 2001:This has to be in the running for most iconic video of the 00s - think ‘Kylie’ and the image of the white hooded dress and blinkered robotic hand gestures is usually the first thing that springs to mind for most pop fans (gold hot-pants admittedly coming a very close second). CYOOMH is one of my favourite videos ever - even if you’ve seen this video a thousand times, I urge you to take a closer look.

Director Dawn Shadforth turns well-worn video tropes into something magical. For example, take the opening sequence where Kylie is driving a car (done countless times before by everyone and their dog): the undulating curved bridges provide a hypnotic backdrop for Kylie’s smooth and relaxed pose during the woozy ‘na na na’s, which suddenly gives way to neatly chopped-up photo frames as soon as her clipped verse vocal kicks in. Then back again to the dreamy organic ‘na na na’, where her backing dancers slowly and gracefully slide through each others arms like blooming flowers.

The constant switching between clinical robot and organic human is also reflected wonderfully in the progression of Kylie’s hair and outfits: austere black dress/straight hair in the car followed by comfy tracksuit/scrunched up ponytail with her dancers outside; sleek white goddess dress inside the spaceship to silver party frock and full-on natural curls on the roof.

Kylie isn’t just a coat-hanger here though: the majority of her verses are sung in closely focused headshots, leaving her (stunning) body to do the talking during the choreography sequences. Shadforth punctuates simple but memorable moves with different camera angles to keep the momentum going, finishing off with a wonderful long teasing swoop up from Kylie’s toes back up to her head in time for the middle eight (2.17). It’s a perilous task trying to make a video sensual rather than sexual but Shadforth does a bloody good job of it - opting to reveal the often-ignored middle section of the chest, never lingering too long in one place - leaving us none the wiser as to what Kylie’s ‘dark secret in me’ could be.

The last sequence on the rooftops where Kylie fills the sky with one joyful flick of her hair is my favourite part of the whole video. It conjures up memories of so many wonderful nights out letting my own hair down - the music is so euphoric that she never wants the night to end, dancing in slow motion as the sun sets to make the moment last as long as possible. Stay forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever…

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Jay-Z - Death Of Autotune.

"Hello old poker-playing dudes, I don’t know if you know what’s happened to the hairdresser that used to be round the corner? I just popped in for a quick trim but the recession appears to have taken its toll on local businesses and instead of the familiar twirly red and white pole, all I found was an empty warehouse!"

"Oh really? That’s a shame. I suppose there’s still time for a quick glass of Sainsbury’s Taste The Difference Merlot and a sneaky round of Texas Hold ‘Em before I have to be home to get Beyonce’s tea ready."

"Arrrgh but it’s getting really itchy. There must be a barber around here somewhere! I will give up looking in FIVE minutes, for real this time. Maybe to aid my quest I’ll symbolically blow up some luxury items in protest at the levels of unmetered excess that inevitably led to the current economic downturn? Excellent, I knew that would work."

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Tinchy Stryder ft Amelle Berrabah - Never Leave You.

I think Tinchy and Amelle have got a rum deal from the DFS sale - that’s got to be the most uncomfortable looking sofa/armchair combination in pop history, and I bet they’ll still be paying interest on it in 2049.

Despite such budgetary concerns, this video definitely do with some awesome dancing in it. Something like this, maybe? At least on the plus side, Amelle’s hair looks lovely.

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