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This blog is about music videos. If you want to know what I think of the songs, you can find my exciting and witty opinions at The Singles Jukebox.

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Ellie Goulding - Guns and Horses.

I like Ellie Goulding a fair bit, but I worry that she’s forgotten that she is a pop star. I mean, you’d think the zombie soldiers jiggling about behind her would be Clue #1 that she is getting reasonable rotation on MTV Hits and she might want to turn up for work in a ballgown made out of cactii or a hat featuring a scale model of the solar system (or whatever). This is your chance to go crazy, Ellie! You are in an enchanted forest with a mysterious Twin Peaks style horse apparition! 2-for-1 plaid shirts from Uniqlo are certainly practical for such a location, but what if you happened to bump into Florence and her travelling performance art troupe? I bet you would be wishing you had some lasers coming out of your sleeves then.

Maybe I’m being a bit harsh on the lass, but I’m still kind of annoyed that last time she glued the stars to her HANDS and not her EYES as promised.

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Pantha Du Prince - Stick To My Side.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: You may be aware of the iamamiwhoami nonsense virals that are doing the rounds. If any lichen-encrusted woodland nymphs turn up on your doorstep, approach with EXTREME CAUTION. Do not entertain the idea of inviting them over your threshold on the off-chance that you would get some exclusive blogging material. As you can see from the educational re-enactment above this action will have HORRENDOUS results, viz. unwittingly allowing a member of Animal Collective into your household who will then drop pine needles into your Weetabix, set fire to your stash of Woodcutter’s Monthly and dance a merry fvcking jig while muttering incomprensibly about Pitchfork ratings.

(The rest of the tracks on the new Pantha Du Prince album do not have videos, yet are much more listenable than this one. Try this instead - skip the first 25 seconds and turn up the bass.)

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Get Far ft H-Boogie - The Radio.

What the hell is this? Someone has done a bagpipe-bosh track that is Not Good? Impossible! You know, someone really needs to properly bosh up Shoots And Ladders. Nick-nack paddy-wack BOSH BOSH BOSH! [does Fatboy Slim effect] Mary had a little l-l-l-l-l-l-amb-amb-amb-amb-amb-amb.

Anyway back to matters at hand. This video contains Forest Nymphs in daft outfits doing rhythmic gymnastics and taking turns to blowing Susan’s magic horn (hur hur hur). However the only powerful force they are summoning is MY SCORN. Mr Tumnus accompanies them with his trendy black Macbook.

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Mika - Rain.

Mika has stolen his mum’s Blockbuster card and rented out The Blair Witch Project II: Geometric Boogaloo, only to end up being chased through the leaf mulch by creepy woodland folk. It’s a 15 rating at best - the only ‘shock value’ to be found here is the fact that at no point does it actually start raining. Obviously no-one has told Mika about the age-old telly trick of having a dude stand just out of shot with a high-pressure hosepipe, to ensure the rain shows up on film.

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Paul Oakenfold - Southern Sun.

Best of 2002: Well ‘best’ is probably pushing it, but I challenge you to get through this video without making a noise along the lines of ‘pffffffffnyaaaaaaahaaaa’.

During a photoshoot, a model finds a couple of magic ice cubes (???) and suddenly realises the inherent SHALLOWNESS and FAKENESS of the fashion world where she is beholden to THE MAN. Naturally she immediately legs it over to the Clarks Magic Steps forest to get in touch with her inner 10-year-old. Verrrry slowwwwly and seriously.

I’ve watched this four times now and I still can’t keep a straight face at 3.11, when things elevate to a whole new level.

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Florence & The Machine - Dog Days Are Over.

I am never going to a psytrance rave in a field if this is the hangover it gives you. Being chased by terrifying clowns and surrounded by bunting (I have childhood trauma relating to bunting which this is not the correct avenue to discuss further) is not my idea of an awesome comedown. But Florence here has the right attitude: if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

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Square1 ft Siobhan Donaghy - Styfling.

Strange business is afoot in a Victorian mansion: a young girl has to go on a baffling quest to find some Herbal Essences for her enormous bath, and luckily her steamed up mirror gives her a clue where to look. Siobhan herself doesn’t even make an appearance (unless that’s a brief glimpse of her in the wicked queen’s crystal ball - can’t quite make it out). It’s all a bit Clarks Magic Steps if you ask me. Magic shoes?

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