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This blog is about music videos. If you want to know what I think of the songs, you can find my exciting and witty opinions at The Singles Jukebox.

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The Shin and Mariko - Three Minutes To Earth (Georgia)

I played the entire Eurovision 2014 CD to my work colleagues this morning and this was unanimously voted as Worst Song. Possibly ever. Even if it is about aliens (debatable at best).

What about the video? Well, it’s set in the Tbisli version of the Eden Project (patches of astroturf and an xmas tree left over from last year), where a spaceship has landed. Everyone ignores it and concentrates on yodelling or making jerky arm movements in the jazz style. No aliens are visible. Genuinely baffling! It’s not exactly shrieking COME TO GEORGIA. Perhaps they are actively trying to get people not to come to Georgia?

There’s some amazing fashion choices to make up for it though: the main yodelling dude has a handcuff print green shirt; the lass from Olive has turned up dressed as the Aquarius-themed set of mystic candles I received for my birthday in 1994; guitarist is rocking a James May jacket/big-collared shirt combo and everyone else looks like Lower Clapton Road on a Sunday afternoon. Achievable yet batshit outfits for everyone!

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It’s that time of year again!

Mandinga - Zaleilah (ROMANIA)

Video: Xena Warrior Princess finds herself in a Bacardi advert style ‘The Club’. She goes to the loo and FAILS TO WASH HER HANDS AFTERWARDS, instead picking up a skanky ring (not washed either) that’s lying on the sink. The bog-germs magically transport her to Dubai (nul points to Romanian tourist board there) where she has speedboat/desert holiday adventures. Mandinga’s outfits get more sequinned as things progress, but then suddenly she chucks the ring into the sea! How the hell is she going to get home? Does EasyJet fly between Bucharest and the UAE? Will they let her in without having to be quarantined first?

Tune: Guetta-lite with extra BAGPIPES. Likely to make the finals but will probably finish outside the top 10.

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Lucia Perez - Que Me Quiten Lo Bailao.

Country: Spain
Song: Save for a random bagpipe sample at the beginning (???) this is a breezy cheesy bum-jiggler that Spain is famous for.
Plot: Dorian from Birds of a Feather goes to a carnival, meets Johnny Depp and a bunch of other dudes dressed up as ‘dudes going to a fancy dress party with no theme’. Dorian unconvincingly pretends she’s gone as Amy Winehouse but in reality she had forgotten all about it.
Fashion: God those big hoopy earrings and the perm :O :O :O I’m amazed she’s not wearing a NafNaf bomber jacket.
Choreography: It’s all rather ad-hoc, seeing as all these costume party attendees are likely to be English expats with little or no sense of rhythm.
Better than 2010?: Spain’s entry last year was interrupted by a heckler jumping up on stage, which meant we had to endure Mika and his toybox clown posse TWICE argh. Lucia is more bearable, but let’s face it, she’s no Son de Sol.
Overall verdict: Bottom 5, especially if it’s out of tune like Spain usually are. Sorry to be harsh Spain but even Son de Sol were out of tune despite me loving them v much.

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Lady Gaga - Born This Way.

RIGHT THEN.

Initial thoughts after the first watch: what a bloody mess (much like the song).

Good bits:

- Opening unicorn/pink triangle/Phantom-Zone-contortionism combo (Roll up! Roll up! Geertcher symbolism right here!)
- Eyeball on the chin (not even Gaga Bingo would have predicted that) which makes me think of this (and similarly, the mannequin heads on a shelf at 4.41 which remind me of this).
- Throne made of crystals nicked from the Fortress of Solitude at 3.17 (shows consistency)
- Pink topknot being whipped, as it were, back and forth (4.15). Also the skull makeup from her German fashion dude is still pretty cool.
- The white gloved ending where her tears bring the pink unicorn triangle back to life (or whatever). Not enough videos feature bubblegum being popped.

Rubbish bits:

- Too much waffling on at the start. Long intros worked very well in “Telephone” and “Bad Romance” because there was no tedious narration, just prison guards looking at the internet and harpischord vodka music. SHOW DON’T TELL.
- The early-doors trumpeting of good and evil Gagas disappointingly does not lead to both sides having a catfight (as per “Hold It Against Me”)
- The dancers don’t all start up at once when the boshing bit comes in: although this is more likely a problem with the song’s arrangement, it nevertheless jars really badly. Gaga is also a less good dancer than she thinks she is - Britney may suck at everything except spinning around on the spot these days but to this day I have never seen Gaga do a backward walkover.
- I have no problem with Gaga swanning around in her vest and pants, but the more she does it the less time she has for mental outfits made of sequinned lobsters etc.
- She already did a massive (and reasonably awesome) Madonna homage for “Alejandro”. Why bother doing the “Vogue” zoot suit bit here as well? Is Gaga going to have a visual references in every song that vaguely nods towards Madge?

Troubling bits:

- Mucus overload (sooo glad I didn’t attempt to watch this at work this afternoon).
- Machine gun Barbarella (machine guns are only acceptable if you are in the Ant Hill Mob or you are Bill Drummond)
- I know Gaga is a hard-working lass and all, but there is healthy exercise and there is making yourself look bonier than you are with mental cheek/shoulder implants. It’s one step away from having rickets (NB not Adam Rickett).
- Mid-forehead fringe. Aieee!
- At no point does anyone make a sandwich :(
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Example - Last Ones Standing.

Enjoyable enough ‘Sabotage’ style cop spoof with added parkour and Police Squad! wobbly end frame. I am generally in favour of Example and his video output, but I physically wince every time I see anyone wearing those red Su Pollard sunglasses. I just don’t get it. Ridiculous accessories are part and parcel of music videos but these look like they’ve fallen out of a Tesco Value Christmas cracker. If it’s stupid sunglasses you’re after then I will happily see your Su Pollard and raise you a Timmy Mallett.

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Sabrina Washington - OMG.

OMG indeed: this track samples ‘Rhythm Is A Dancer’! Unfortunately the video is a big old bag of arse, sorry Sabrina. The only good element is the telephone covered in hundreds & thousands right at the beginning. No-one wants or needs to see a female Kiss tribute act being held on dog-chains, or a vom-coloured dress with fake nipples. And what the hell is that thing on your FACE, Sabrina? Lady Gaga can only get away with that sort of facial adornment because she would look utterly non-descript without it. Sabrina looks like she’s had a nasty eye injury and only the pirate doctor was available for bandaging duties.

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David Bowie - DJ.

Benny Benassi has just remixed this, but the original video is much better: Dame Davey B has built a radio studio decorated with smashed-up Rubik’s cubes (even more impressive considering this was 3 years before Rubik’s cubes were invented) and proceeds to throw a hissy fit (probably after playing something at the wrong speed - we’ve all been there). Best bits: 2.21 (dancing in pink jumpsuit), 3.42 (ripping down curtains), 3.56 (swivelly chair).

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Little Boots - New in Town.

Little Boots has gone for a wander on the ‘wrong side of town’. On her travels she meets some highly energetic and well-manicured homeless people, then some ballet-dancing hoodlums straight out of West Side Story. Lastly she starts mucking about with her mates in an abandoned vehicle depot, which having seen that episode of CSI:NY where the dude gets locked in the boot of a car about to be crushed, I wouldn’t really recommend as an arena for high jinx.

I think the point Little Boots is trying to make is that if you don’t have any money because you’ve spent it all on a RIDICULOUS NECKLACE, then one must find non-conventional venues to show off your awesome choreography skills. Better than a basement in Tooting, anyway.

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Demi Lovato - La La Land.

Brilliant teenpop from Demi (including a ridiculous guitar solo) and a cracking vid to match. Not everyone can pull off the ‘noes I’m rich and famous how awful’ without you wanting to smack them upside the head, but here Demi isn’t really complaining about being famous at all, only about not being able to wear Converse while traversing the red carpet. Comfortable footwear is a serious matter for the general public at large and I’m glad Demi is bringing the matter to people’s attention.

Though that leather jacket she’s wearing doesn’t half make me think of Jennifer Rush.

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N*Sync - Pop.

You know those days when you just can’t decide what to wear? Justin and the boys seem to be having a bad case of sartorial indecision halfway through their video (after Justin’s head splits in two but before the BMX dude turns up). Luckily their unseen stylist has a bunch of new looks for them to try inbetween dance moves, though Lance seems to get stuck in a tardis-like room entirely concealed within Justin’s necklace at one point - good preparation for his later career as space adventurer I suppose.

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