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This blog is about music videos. If you want to know what I think of the songs, you can find my exciting and witty opinions at The Singles Jukebox.

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Can Bonomo - Love Me Back (TURKEY)

Video: Dude divvies up his time between a slave ship (‘my ship is searching for your bay’ - eeeeugh) and wading around in a flooded temple (possibly that one from From Russia With Love). The lady they’re looking for seems intent on running away from him rather quickly, possibly due to him being dressed like one of Curiosity Killed The Cat. Thankfully she gets away! Or they just give up? This is the problem with Eurovision entries having a maximum length of three minutes.

Tune: Fairly ‘traditional’ Near-East folk band sound with a super-limp chorus. Good luck with that, Turkey.

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Enya - Orinoco Flow.

Popular has reached one of my favourite Number Ones of 1988, the glorious “Orinoco Flow”. Ireland’s most recogniseable Elven Chanting export paved the way for all the new age dolphin Aquarian crystal videos that would clog up the early 90s Chart Show - or did she? Actually the video to “Orinoco Flow” is a lovely piece of classically beautiful hand-painted animation. Well ok it was probably some Amiga software but the way Enya’s dress scratches itself into a new position trips a switch in my gut and makes me say ‘szwwaaaaah’ in a tiny voice. That and the ship bobbing up and down which makes me think of marathon runners wafting effortlessly around the Cutty Sark to Ron Goodwin’s "The Trap".

In retrospect a lot of the New Age mysticism I associated with ambient hippy music like Enya seemed very passive - waiting for aliens to descend, letting auras wash over you, accepting your fate that was written in the star sign column of Just Seventeen. “Orinoco Flow” on the other hand is stirring and inspiring and makes me want to sail away on a tall ship with beautiful Enya on the prow. It is a New Age because we are going somewhere different and exciting over the waves! I will discover some uninhabited island near the Falklands for the glory of humankind, find a new species of hummingbird and then commission someone to do a painting of it all for the Tate once I get home.

FROM THE FACT BIN: Director Michael Geoghegan also did a strange bunch of Britpop promos: football montage-tastic “Life Of Riley”, Republica’s seizure-inducing “Ready To Go” and er, Kula Shaker’s “Govinda”. And “Blame It On The Weatherman”!

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Jessy Matador - Allez Olla Ole.

I must confess I had to watch France’s entry twice before I understood what the eff was going on. I mean, France has never been massively enthused about Eurovision so I assumed they had skimped on the editing budget for this video and accidentally spliced in some of the footage twice. It’s easily done, especially if the majority of the video is taken up with generic booty jiggling.

But I think I get it now - Jessy and his friends want to borrow Lee Perry’s luxury speedboat, so they bang on his van and ask him by means of smiling and shrugging (my own favoured manner of communication in French). Off they go and have a lovely time. Except this isn’t what happens at all! Lee Perry’s generous offer is just a normal boat, and this is not good enough for Jessy. Dude, it’s still a boat! It’s not even a crappy old wooden rowboat, there’s an engine and everything! You can still drink cocktails in the back and pretend to be Duran Duran! Way better than no boat at all. Ungrateful sods.

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The Lonely Island ft T-Pain - I’m On A Boat

These sweary chaps are on a boat. As is T-Pain, who never thought he’d be on a boat, a big blue watery road, and now he’s met a mermaid. I very much want a Captain’s Top Hat like T-Pain’s.

(It’s VERY sweary but otherwise safe for work.)

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