The Vids Are Alright

Last but not least, here’s Robin Stjernberg with...

Sat, 18 May 2013 12:25:07 +0100

Last but not least, here’s Robin Stjernberg with Sweden’s entry, which I suppose is a bit like Coldplay (i.e. good chorus hook, ‘rousing’ backing that just ends up sounding tired).

So that’s our lot! I’ve put a fiver on the Netherlands to finish top 3 (I hate the song but it will do very well), but let’s see how my other predictions do:

TOP 5: Denmark, Netherlands, Ukraine, Norway, Azerbaijan
TOP 10: Belgium, Russia, Ireland, Sweden, Greece
MID TABLE: UK, Germany, France, Malta, Armenia, Moldova, Hungary, Estonia, Georgia, Finland
NEVER MIND: Belarus, Spain, Italy, Romania, Lithuania, Iceland

It’s hard to see Denmark losing, though of course if Finland, Norway or Greece win I will be very pleasantly surprised. If Bonnie wins it for the UK I shall personally make a pilgrimage to Swansea and thank her in person.

Cascada - Glorious (Germany) It’s impossible not to be...

Fri, 17 May 2013 15:10:03 +0100

Cascada - Glorious (Germany)

It’s impossible not to be impressed when faced with Foghorn Natalie’s vocal onlaught in person. I saw her headline Clubland Live Oh Dear God a few years ago, and she managed to come on after Scooter and not be an anti-climax! As well as flattening all lifeforms within a 10-mile radius, Natalie can also do very good confirm/deny/grasp hand-gestures and 90 degree head turns, which is exactly perfect for her chosen genre of BOSH O’CLOCK.

This lack of subtlety might help towards glossing over the Elephant In The Club, i.e. that this is a 100% retread of Loreen’s ‘Euphoria’, even down to the rhyme scheme. Russia’s Hear’Say rip-off is Ivor Novello worthy in comparison. I think the best Germany can hope for this year is mid-table.

The video is a little disappointing however considering Cascada’s past efforts* (which in hindsight all seem to involve look at a photo of a nerdy dude?). Hungary have already beaten them to the ballet dancers and her dress doesn’t have a volcano projected onto it like Moldova’s.

*DO WATCH THIS ONE at least until the spoken word middle 8, but possibly not if your boss can see your screen…

Amandine Bourgeois - L’Enfer Et Moi (France) Moody...

Fri, 17 May 2013 14:49:28 +0100

Amandine Bourgeois - L’Enfer Et Moi (France)

Moody Amandine (Amoodine?) has got the candles and the Cadbury’s Flake out ready for her bathtime BUT WAIT that is surely a Curly Wurly in the jar, not a Flake? Better make up a batch of strawberry Angel Delight to go with it!

Despite the overly ‘vampy’ vibe, I quite like this song. As noted in previous TVAA entries, my French sucks, but I’m pretty sure she says ‘derriere’ which gets a big tick from me. If Amy Winehouse was singing it she’d probably prounce it ‘diahorrea’ which would also be acceptable.

IT'S HERE

Tue, 14 May 2013 19:17:00 +0100

As is tradition, here’s a quick rundown of the entries without videos (that I can find on...

Adrian Lulgjuraj & Bledar Sejko - Identitet (Albania) The...

Mon, 13 May 2013 22:29:00 +0100

Adrian Lulgjuraj & Bledar Sejko - Identitet (Albania)

The Albanian Eric Clapton (but a bit growlier) has teamed up with the Albanian Ken Dodd (but a bit emo-ier) for a very strange hair-rock epic with melting soldiers made out of wax (or possibly jam). It’s quite charming! It will do extremely badly ftb Poor Old Albania is the runt of the Eurovision litter, no matter how hard it tries. I am rooting for you to make the final this year, Albania.

The first semi-final is tomorrow (Tuesday) at 8pm BST, by the way - I’ll be part of the liveblogging effort over at The Singles Jukebox, and also on Thursday for semi-final #2. Do join us!

ByeAlex - Kedvesem (Hungary) Serious ballet business! Our man...

Mon, 13 May 2013 22:16:15 +0100

ByeAlex - Kedvesem (Hungary)

Serious ballet business! Our man is dreaming about being a ballet dancer - perhaps his career was cruelly shortened by being locked in an attic during his teenage years? The song is very gentle acoustical plucking and doesn’t really go anywhere BUT I think they’re actually going to be doing this remix instead which sounds like Owl City (argh) and has a super-unsettling sort-of-animated video. I think I had enough of terrifying Hungarian cartoons on Channel 4 in the 1990s.

Dorians - Lonely Planet (Armenia) This is the Tony Iommi one,...

Mon, 13 May 2013 21:50:25 +0100

Dorians - Lonely Planet (Armenia)

This is the Tony Iommi one, but I must warn you it FAILS to mention witches or men made out of iron or even a fictional impending war with Azerbaijan. The hammond organ is a nice touch but Dorians’ vocals are utterly wretched. It’s not quite Images Of Facist Votes levels of bad but it’s not far off. Sadface.

The video looks like it’s raising awareness for prostate cancer, which while being a very worthy cause (hurts when you piss? Get yourself checked out pronto, lads) is not really getting into the spirit of Eurovision, is it?

Koza Mostra & Agathon Iakovidis - Alcohol Is Free...

Mon, 13 May 2013 21:23:00 +0100

Koza Mostra & Agathon Iakovidis - Alcohol Is Free (Greece)

Serious men in kilts have a rebetiko knees-up in the local market. However while sampling some cheese they realise they’re being stalked by a creepy old man! Shaving off their facial hair as a disguise doesn’t throw him off the trail - he’s there in the cinema, in the kebab shop, the aubergine stall and everywhere else they look. So they take matters into their own hands!

I wasn’t sure about this song at first (I find the titular fallacy of the chorus grating rather than amusing) but after a month or so of listening to it I have lost all understanding of meaning and thus the knees-up part of the song is winning out. Perhaps the same will happen for the population of Europe? It will definitely be hilarious if Greece win.

Ryan Dolan - Only Love Survives (Ireland) Amazingly Ireland...

Mon, 13 May 2013 20:15:08 +0100

Ryan Dolan - Only Love Survives (Ireland)

Amazingly Ireland have not sent Jedward this year! I thought they might have a third time lucky shot but I guess not. Instead there is Dane Bowers’ long lost cousin doing Swedish House Mafia euphor-o-bosh, making heart-hands with People Of Many Countries Or Maybe Just Bits Of Ireland Look At The Multiculturalism Please Vote For Me (i.e. almost indistinguishable from the interstitial ‘postcards’ that the UK gets instead of ad breaks between songs - one of the clips is bloody RIVERDANCE ffs). The whole post-apocalyptic-survival bodrum-rattling glitter-shower has a weird Ke$ha vibe about it, but without her desperation and recklessness it falls flat.

Valentina Monetta - Crisalide (San Marino) As part of San...

Wed, 08 May 2013 20:17:14 +0100

Valentina Monetta - Crisalide (San Marino)

As part of San Marino’s efforts to prove that more than one person lives there, this year’s entry is… Valentina Monetta, who you may remember from San Marino’s 2012 entry, ‘The Social Network Song’ (sample lyric: “If you want to come to my house/then click me with your mouse”).

This year Valentina’s let her hair down (literally) and is hugging a tasteful light fitting while some other ‘residents’ of San Marino stare at the camera in a bewildered fashion. This miserablism is all a CUNNING RUSE as Valentina is the proverbial Ugly Duckling waiting to emerge from the darkness and tell us we’re all beautiful on the inside. To further aid this contrast, there’s a completely different song at around 2 minutes in (plus a key change at 2.30) which might be a bit late unless there’s some wacky staging to keep the viewers interested…

Esma & Lozano - Pred Da Se Razdeni (If I Could Change The...

Mon, 06 May 2013 11:41:51 +0100

Esma & Lozano - Pred Da Se Razdeni (If I Could Change The World) (FYR Macedonia)

What starts off as a terrible Ryan Tedder mope-a-thon boshes up very nicely into a hop-de-dop Balkan bellydance beat, with a sprinkling of dubstep and a decent chorus. Esma is rocking some amazing outfits and rainbow nail varnish (Lozano is sticking to tasteful Burton jacket and khaki trousers). Unfortunately with the high levels of residual dubstep floating around this year, I don’t think it’s quite memorable enough to make the final — especially if their live performance is as ropey as this one.

waywardbiro: I wonder who this mysterious “DJ MAXIMATOR” could...

Thu, 02 May 2013 15:47:38 +0100

waywardbiro:

I wonder who this mysterious “DJ MAXIMATOR” could be?

SOMEWHERE IN ARCHWAY! THIS SATURDAY! FROM 8PM! FREE! PROPER BEER! DANCING! EURO! POP! YES!

More plugging! This time it’s DANCING-related.

A break in proceedings to tell you about my friend Marna’s...

Thu, 02 May 2013 11:36:00 +0100

A break in proceedings to tell you about my friend Marna’s excellent Kickstarter - The Wasteland For Babies. It’s a beautifully illustrated version of TS Eliot’s epic poem, for small and big humans both.

Even if you don’t like modernist poetry and don’t know any goths or babies or English teachers who would happily receive this as a birthday present, it’s totally worth backing this project to get some original artwork by Marna. I have two of her abstract paintings on my living room wall and they are fantastic - you can look at some of them on her tumblr. I think this one and this one are my favourites. She is also making postcards for smaller rewards, they are a truly lovely thing to receive through your letterbox.

The project is 72% funded and has a real chance of succeeding before the closing date tomorrow - back it now!

Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Gelovani - Waterfall...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 21:35:22 +0100

Nodi Tatishvili & Sophie Gelovani - Waterfall (Georgia)

TAKE YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR POCKETS YOUNG MAN. You’re never going to impress your other half without clutching your hands to your heart then reaching out in front of you. Thankfully Sophie and Nori are both stuck in a privet maze so Nodi has some time to practise his Meaningful Gestures 101 before they meet. I don’t think it’s occurred to either of them that they can just jump over the rather low hedge rather than go to all that trouble (this reminds me of a PUZZLE, Professor etc).

Anyway they find each other eventually and sing a nice rousing duet on top of a hill on Craggy Island. Lovely.

Anouk - Birds (Netherlands) The birds in question...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 21:25:39 +0100

Anouk - Birds (Netherlands)

The birds in question ‘don’t fly’ and are ‘falling off a rooftop’ which probably means the birds are DEAD. Like Anouk’s gothic soul! OK maybe not goth, but she is definitely going for the whole 4REAL Wearing A Hat In My Tooting Bedsit look here, and the song has a ‘haunting’ vibe, i.e. an old John Barry riff that Portishead might have fed backwards through the sampler. It’s all far too AUTHENTIC to have a proper video with an actual bird in it. There’s not even a sniff of a parrot :(

Klapa s Mora - Mižerja (Croatia) Well done Croatia for a proper...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 20:17:00 +0100

Klapa s Mora - Mižerja (Croatia)

Well done Croatia for a proper tourist video! A sweeping shot of the glorious Adriatic coastline pans back to reveal some rustic locals in stripy tops mending fishing nets on charming cobbled streets. BUT WAIT those humble fisherman are in fact a 6-part harmony group! There are dramatic flounces, women trotting about in very high heels, oranges falling down a staircase (???) and some highly symbolic sand falling out of someone’s grasp. The song could be a lot worse too.

Cezar - It’s My Life (Romania) This doesn’t have a...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 20:02:12 +0100

Cezar - It’s My Life (Romania)

This doesn’t have a dedicated video but I am posting the performance anyway, for reasons that will become clear if you watch it. Cezar’s extremely serious stage persona is like if Catweazle dyed his hair black and dressed as one of those trendy magicians who tell you the answers. And he sings operatic falsetto! Over semi-weak bosh that marvellously and inevitably has a dubstep breakdown! I really hope this makes the final, but I think it’s borderline…

Krista Siegfrids - Marry Me (Finland) New favourite song! Tough...

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 14:51:00 +0100

Krista Siegfrids - Marry Me (Finland)

New favourite song! Tough biker chick Krista is sick of spinsterhood and teams up with her srs bsns bridesmaids to FIND A HUSBAND. Luckily there’s a nice rich dude hanging out in the local sauna who is a ‘willing’ volunteer.

1) Her bridal shoes are Fierce.
2) One of the page boys is a PUG wearing a ribbon.
3) That gruff exterior of hers gives way to a soppy core when the groom finally plucks up the nerve to give her a snog! Awww.
4) “I’ll play your game, I’ll change my last name, I’ll walk the walk of shame” Amazing post-feminist lyrics there!

Douze points from the TVAA jury!

+++ PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT +++

If you’d like to hear this tune and MANY OTHER European pop classics old and new, come down to CLUB ACTION PRESENTS EUROPOPTIMISM @ The Hideaway Bar at 114 Junction Road on Saturday 4th May! Nearest tubes Tufnell Park/Archway, free entry, 8pm-1am.

Alyona Lanskaya - Solayoh (Belarus) Her hips do not lie and her...

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 14:30:08 +0100

Alyona Lanskaya - Solayoh (Belarus)

Her hips do not lie and her ‘small ‘n’ humbles’ could not be confused with mountains! Especially when she’s kicking up sand on the Belarus Tourist Board approved beach with her mates there. Actually, the song reminds me of a samba-boshed up version of this (amazing video, do click) rather than any Shakira tunes.

At least it’s jolly, eh?

Marco Mengoni - L’essenziale (Italy) On the whole, the...

Tue, 23 Apr 2013 22:26:11 +0100

Marco Mengoni - L’essenziale (Italy)

On the whole, the theme for this year’s videos has been… ‘basic’. There aren’t many special effects here either, but thankfully Italy are physically incapable of sending an entry without some incomprehensible EMOTION and DRAMA and LINGERING STARES to bulk up the standard ballad.

Fernando Alonso’s long lost brother is lacking songwriting inspiration, so he leaves his missus to do the DRAMATIC washing up (or perhaps she’s just trying to figure out how her coffee grinder works) and takes his quiff for an EMOTIONAL walk. Inspiration strikes when Marco trips and falls into a swimming pool (always a plus in my book) but i does seem rather careless of the local council to just have a swimming pool in the middle of the pavement. Especially when a poor dude (who is obviously in some state of mental distress) can easily stumble into them. I mean, his quiff is ruined and that underwater violinist mermaid is no help at all. What if the whole swimming pool thing is actually a metaphor and he is drowning in a quagmire of his own stagnant creativity? This would explain the final 10 seconds where the quiff is intact and Marco looks like he’s about to set fire to his missus’ coffee grinder…