The Vids Are Alright

Last but not least, here’s Robin Stjernberg with Sweden’s entry, which I suppose is a bit like Coldplay (i.e. good chorus hook, ‘rousing’ backing that just ends up sounding tired).

So that’s our lot! I’ve put a fiver on the Netherlands to finish top 3 (I hate the song but it will do very well), but let’s see how my other predictions do:

TOP 5: Denmark, Netherlands, Ukraine, Norway, Azerbaijan
TOP 10: Belgium, Russia, Ireland, Sweden, Greece
MID TABLE: UK, Germany, France, Malta, Armenia, Moldova, Hungary, Estonia, Georgia, Finland
NEVER MIND: Belarus, Spain, Italy, Romania, Lithuania, Iceland

It’s hard to see Denmark losing, though of course if Finland, Norway or Greece win I will be very pleasantly surprised. If Bonnie wins it for the UK I shall personally make a pilgrimage to Swansea and thank her in person.

Cascada - Glorious (Germany)

It’s impossible not to be impressed when faced with Foghorn Natalie’s vocal onlaught in person. I saw her headline Clubland Live Oh Dear God a few years ago, and she managed to come on after Scooter and not be an anti-climax! As well as flattening all lifeforms within a 10-mile radius, Natalie can also do very good confirm/deny/grasp hand-gestures and 90 degree head turns, which is exactly perfect for her chosen genre of BOSH O’CLOCK.

This lack of subtlety might help towards glossing over the Elephant In The Club, i.e. that this is a 100% retread of Loreen’s ‘Euphoria’, even down to the rhyme scheme. Russia’s Hear’Say rip-off is Ivor Novello worthy in comparison. I think the best Germany can hope for this year is mid-table.

The video is a little disappointing however considering Cascada’s past efforts* (which in hindsight all seem to involve look at a photo of a nerdy dude?). Hungary have already beaten them to the ballet dancers and her dress doesn’t have a volcano projected onto it like Moldova’s.

*DO WATCH THIS ONE at least until the spoken word middle 8, but possibly not if your boss can see your screen…

Amandine Bourgeois - L’Enfer Et Moi (France)

Moody Amandine (Amoodine?) has got the candles and the Cadbury’s Flake out ready for her bathtime BUT WAIT that is surely a Curly Wurly in the jar, not a Flake? Better make up a batch of strawberry Angel Delight to go with it!

Despite the overly ‘vampy’ vibe, I quite like this song. As noted in previous TVAA entries, my French sucks, but I’m pretty sure she says ‘derriere’ which gets a big tick from me. If Amy Winehouse was singing it she’d probably prounce it ‘diahorrea’ which would also be acceptable.

Adrian Lulgjuraj & Bledar Sejko - Identitet (Albania)

The Albanian Eric Clapton (but a bit growlier) has teamed up with the Albanian Ken Dodd (but a bit emo-ier) for a very strange hair-rock epic with melting soldiers made out of wax (or possibly jam). It’s quite charming! It will do extremely badly ftb Poor Old Albania is the runt of the Eurovision litter, no matter how hard it tries. I am rooting for you to make the final this year, Albania.

The first semi-final is tomorrow (Tuesday) at 8pm BST, by the way - I’ll be part of the liveblogging effort over at The Singles Jukebox, and also on Thursday for semi-final #2. Do join us!

ByeAlex - Kedvesem (Hungary)

Serious ballet business! Our man is dreaming about being a ballet dancer - perhaps his career was cruelly shortened by being locked in an attic during his teenage years? The song is very gentle acoustical plucking and doesn’t really go anywhere BUT I think they’re actually going to be doing this remix instead which sounds like Owl City (argh) and has a super-unsettling sort-of-animated video. I think I had enough of terrifying Hungarian cartoons on Channel 4 in the 1990s.

Dorians - Lonely Planet (Armenia)

This is the Tony Iommi one, but I must warn you it FAILS to mention witches or men made out of iron or even a fictional impending war with Azerbaijan. The hammond organ is a nice touch but Dorians’ vocals are utterly wretched. It’s not quite Images Of Facist Votes levels of bad but it’s not far off. Sadface.

The video looks like it’s raising awareness for prostate cancer, which while being a very worthy cause (hurts when you piss? Get yourself checked out pronto, lads) is not really getting into the spirit of Eurovision, is it?

Koza Mostra & Agathon Iakovidis - Alcohol Is Free (Greece)

Serious men in kilts have a rebetiko knees-up in the local market. However while sampling some cheese they realise they’re being stalked by a creepy old man! Shaving off their facial hair as a disguise doesn’t throw him off the trail - he’s there in the cinema, in the kebab shop, the aubergine stall and everywhere else they look. So they take matters into their own hands!

I wasn’t sure about this song at first (I find the titular fallacy of the chorus grating rather than amusing) but after a month or so of listening to it I have lost all understanding of meaning and thus the knees-up part of the song is winning out. Perhaps the same will happen for the population of Europe? It will definitely be hilarious if Greece win.

Ryan Dolan - Only Love Survives (Ireland)

Amazingly Ireland have not sent Jedward this year! I thought they might have a third time lucky shot but I guess not. Instead there is Dane Bowers’ long lost cousin doing Swedish House Mafia euphor-o-bosh, making heart-hands with People Of Many Countries Or Maybe Just Bits Of Ireland Look At The Multiculturalism Please Vote For Me (i.e. almost indistinguishable from the interstitial ‘postcards’ that the UK gets instead of ad breaks between songs - one of the clips is bloody RIVERDANCE ffs). The whole post-apocalyptic-survival bodrum-rattling glitter-shower has a weird Ke$ha vibe about it, but without her desperation and recklessness it falls flat.

Valentina Monetta - Crisalide (San Marino)

As part of San Marino’s efforts to prove that more than one person lives there, this year’s entry is… Valentina Monetta, who you may remember from San Marino’s 2012 entry, ‘The Social Network Song’ (sample lyric: “If you want to come to my house/then click me with your mouse”).

This year Valentina’s let her hair down (literally) and is hugging a tasteful light fitting while some other ‘residents’ of San Marino stare at the camera in a bewildered fashion. This miserablism is all a CUNNING RUSE as Valentina is the proverbial Ugly Duckling waiting to emerge from the darkness and tell us we’re all beautiful on the inside. To further aid this contrast, there’s a completely different song at around 2 minutes in (plus a key change at 2.30) which might be a bit late unless there’s some wacky staging to keep the viewers interested…