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This blog is about music videos. If you want to know what I think of the songs, you can find my exciting and witty opinions at The Singles Jukebox.

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TKAY MAIDZA - U-HUH
[8.14]


Not All Australian Rappers…

Kat Stevens: My mother has just bought her mid-life crisis Mazda MX5, approximately 25 years after said crisis was resolved but better late than never. I expect I will shortly be press-ganged into sitting in the passenger seat avec headscarf/sunglasses and pretending to “drive into the Grand Canyon” (two laps round Ruislip Lido). I will loudly complain about how embarrassing it all is but of course enjoy myself immensely. But what to blast on the speakers as we bump the suspension up and down the B436? Mother Dearest is very hardcore \m/ but would still probably give me a Hard Stare and write me out of the will if I put “212” on the car stereo. Maybe this less filthy alternative will suffice for pimping her new ride. It’s definitely better than Glenn Frey, and if we yell “chitty bang bang” enough times maybe we’ll end up FLYING to the Lido?
[7]

Hazel Robinson: As soon as I hit play I did a mental “FUUUUCK” — this is huge and pumped full of Prince’s strut and the just-out-of-braces snot of the kind of young female rapper who wants to both make you dance and make white boys throw embarrassing shapes. Fucking revelatory.
[10]

[Read and comment on The Singles Jukebox ]

I was so pleased that Hazel is back writing tons of stuff for TSJ that I decided to join in.

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Final Predictions

That is your LOT for this year, dear readers, as I can’t be arsed posting the videos for the UK (trust fund), Germany (zzzz) , Italy (decent enough electro) or Denmark (Bruno Mars).

Final predictions (I managed to get 4 out of the top 5 last year):

TOP 5: Austria, UK, Sweden, Armenia, Netherlands
TOP 10: Hungary, Azerbaijan, Norway, Spain, Poland
MID TABLE: Ukraine, Romania, Italy, Finland, Switzerland, Greece, Malta, Russia, Iceland, Denmark
OH DEAR: Belarus, Germany, Slovenia, France, Montenegro, San Marino

See you all over at The Singles Jukebox this evening!

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Twin Twin - Moustache (France)

If I were casting my vote purely on the recorded versions, France would be my clear winner. Great chorus, slick production, Major Lazer ‘euwerp-erp-errrrrp’ sounds, facial hair as subject matter - my boxes are well and truly ticked. I like it so much that my dreadful French has improved slightly thanks to repeated listens! The Going For Gold video is great fun as well.

Unfortunately Twin Twin can’t sing for shit live, and in a year stuffed full of performers with vocal chops this will sink to the bottom six. Such a shame - as boshing Eurovision songs performed by twins* who can’t sing very well go, it’s right up there with "Lipstick" by Jedward.

*Plus another dude. Bof, etc.

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Tijana - To The Sky (FYR Macedonia)

Finally a THEME being brought to life! Tijana is going all Top Gun on our asses: a big propeller, a band of trusty fighter pilots with tattoos and no tops on (hang on, is one of them Rylan from X Factor?? Argh!) and er, ok that’s it. Mainly because Tijana gets stuck in the bath and needs an uptempo pop tune to get her out again. It happens to us all at some point! Except me, I haven’t had a bath since 1992, not least because it’s easier to climb out of a shower.

Anyway I hope this does well, you’ve got to have some respect for a woman who has flaming torches instead of bedside lamps. I wonder if they sell them in Skopje Ikea?

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Paula Selling & Ovidiu Cernăuțeanu - Miracle (Romania)

Paula and Ovi represented Romania in 2010 with a slightly less boshing but no less fun piano-duet “Playing With Fire" where (you’ve guessed it) the pianos were on fire, so after setting the sprinklers off a water-type piano seems logical, and… thence a grass-type piano? It might serve them well in the Pokemon Musical, but I think their best hope on Saturday is mid-table (I think qualification is fairly safe).

But wait a minute - Spain posted an extremely similar but slightly more expensive looking Dancing-In-The-Water-Trough video a whole month before these guys! VIDEO PLAGIARISM KLAXON!!

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The Shin and Mariko - Three Minutes To Earth (Georgia)

I played the entire Eurovision 2014 CD to my work colleagues this morning and this was unanimously voted as Worst Song. Possibly ever. Even if it is about aliens (debatable at best).

What about the video? Well, it’s set in the Tbisli version of the Eden Project (patches of astroturf and an xmas tree left over from last year), where a spaceship has landed. Everyone ignores it and concentrates on yodelling or making jerky arm movements in the jazz style. No aliens are visible. Genuinely baffling! It’s not exactly shrieking COME TO GEORGIA. Perhaps they are actively trying to get people not to come to Georgia?

There’s some amazing fashion choices to make up for it though: the main yodelling dude has a handcuff print green shirt; the lass from Olive has turned up dressed as the Aquarius-themed set of mystic candles I received for my birthday in 1994; guitarist is rocking a James May jacket/big-collared shirt combo and everyone else looks like Lower Clapton Road on a Sunday afternoon. Achievable yet batshit outfits for everyone!

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Eurovision live-blog - Semi-final #1

Hey-ho readers! As is tradition I will be contributing my thoughts to the Singles Jukebox live blog this year for the semis and (hopefully) the final. Come and join us - you don’t need to be registered to comment.

There are only 31 semifinalists this year, down from 33 in 2013 - some big names are missing. No Serbia, Bosnia, Turkey or Cyprus, and Croatia seem to have finally given up altogether after a string of shit results. So it’s slightly easier to qualify this year.

My predictions: Armenia (bookies’ favourite), Ukraine (cracking), Russia (problematic), Azerbaijan (trapeze), Sweden (no video, quite strong), Estonia (ballet), Hungary (trigger warning), Belgium (dreadful, also no video), Latvia (cake), Netherlands (hazard).

As long as Ukraine get through I’ll be happy. Apparently Latvia are on the verge of splitting up after a fraught rehearsal schedule so it’ll be touch and go whether they play at all!

(EDIT: 7/10! Not bad - and bloody hell, San Marino!)

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